Sorry I haven't been posting its been a crazy few weeks with Haylee. Sometimes I sit and wounder what kind of little girl would she be if she didn't have leukemia and the only reason I say this is because lately she has been a hand full. Shes been very demanding and uncontrollable she is mean and says things that are very hurtful and I cant tell if this is because she is 4 or because of all the medicine she is on and what she is going through. I'm sure its a mix of everything but I wish I knew. Before all this happened to her she was a hand full but a hand full I could handle even with her little brother. Now shes so spoiled (yes very much so by me) that she thinks its okay to misbehave and act out because she knows I cant discipline her like giving her a little spank on the butt all I can do is put her in her room and she will scream it out and sometimes even throw herself so hard on the floor or against the door that I'm scared shes going to hurt herself even more. All this added stress has def put a toll on Chad and I's relationship. Chad doesn't understand how to have patience with them he just thinks yelling at them will get them to behave and listen and that is not how it works for them. They actually act out more and that gets him more upset and I dunno what to say or who's side I should take and that gets us fighting because I feel like hes being to rough on them as far as yelling. When I was a child my dad would yell at us and I remember my mom saying Rich calm down and always sticking up for us but i didn't realize that was tearing them apart because he prob felt like she wasn't taken his side on disciplining us kids but that's not it at all I just don't want to see them getting yelled at over something as little as dropping food on the floor. It's just so hard sometimes being a mommy and being a wife because I want to take both sides and agree with Chad but also shelter my children. Chad and I grew up in 2 different households I come from a broken home and he comes from a stable home so i think he sees no harm but for me its flash back to my childhood and feeling like the world was out to get me. Chad and I were not a perfect couple before all this happened we have had a lot of treat issues and that tears a marriage apart but we were working on trying to get that love and trust back in our marriage then all this came down on us and what we were working on had to be put on hold our focus went straight to Haylee and getting her better. Tomorrow will be 6 months and I look back at that first night and wounder how are we making it. How am I waking up every morning and doing house work and keeping up with the kids and Chad and I's relationship and to tell you the truth half the time I feel like I'm on robot mode and just doing it because i have no other choice but to do it. I called my doctors office today and set up another appointment to see if I need to go talk with someone and get these things off my chest. Maybe talking with someone will help me get through this and to better focus. Something has to give something good has to come from all this. I miss normal. 

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good"


~Melissa 

PTSD?

PTSD I've heard of this before but never would I of thought it would possible effect me. Those who don't know what PTSD is it's Post traumatic Stress Syndrome. It's true that parents of child with cancer can get this. We have been though a rough few months. I had a full time job that I loved and that I was finally getting use too a job I thought I would be spending the rest of my life at with amazing staff who became friends and Doctors who became people I could come to for advice in my children without making a appointment. Now I'm a stay at home mom to a child who takes more medicine and I have to ask every hour does anything hurt are you feeling okay today and dealing with mood swings where sometimes I sit and daze out and get lost in my mind so I forget this is my life now. 1 in 300 hundred children are diagnosed with cancer each year and they have come a long way with curing cancer. But the effects of the chemotherapy can cause secondary cancers and heart disease and years of treatment. Even when Haylee is done with all her treatment there is still the worry it may come back and the yearly visits. The cancer may be gone but its not really ever over. I have nightmares not about me but about her and even about Hunter. There is a chance Hunter could get it. The relationship with friend and family are different, I find myself being short with them and irritated at things that I shouldn't be.  Cancer becomes the center of your lives. With Chad and I we have had to put everything aside and put our whole focus on Haylee and try to juggle our attention with both Haylee and Hunter. Yes I take medicine to help me otherwise I don't even think I could get out of bed without a little help. There are things that I wish I could tell my friends my husband and my family and I know keeping it in isn't good but sometimes finding the words to tell someone is hard. I'm trying my best to focus on today not tomorrow and what I can and cannot control. But I am a person that worries all the time I always have been. Even growing up I worried over things that now seem so silly. I sometimes with I could close my eyes and wake up in my parents house in my bed and shake this dream off. But I know thats childish of me and I have to get up and focus on my kids the house and trying to make sure I don't lose myself in the process of all this craziness. One day at a time right. Because even happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light! 

Melissa

My child has Leukemia

My name is Melissa Short, I'm not perfect at spelling or even making sure every line as the right grammar and punctuation. I'm making this blog to vent my feelings on my everyday life. I'm 27 years old, I've been married going on 6 years to a wonderful man and I have 2 amazing children a 4 and 2 year old. I work or well worked in a doctors office with amazing people who I would call my family because they have been here for me though so much. I was raised in a very different household than my husband so sometimes we don't see eye to eye. Hes from a small town and I guess he would say I'm a city girl. My dad (step dad) was strict but he only wanted what was best for us kids and well my mom she was more of a friend than a mom as I got older. My mom was a wonderful women she didn't have a bad bone in her and she knew how to make you smile and forget about how bad of a day you were having. A small look into my childhood into my teenage years. At 18 months old maybe a little younger my parents decided to divorce which was fine if your not happy with your marriage and you have ran out of every resource to make it work then its time to split ways. Well this would of be just fine if my mother and father hadn't decided to split us kids up. My father stayed in California with my 2 older brothers and my mom took me to IL to be closer to her family. Yeah a little crazy but that seemed to work out in their minds. Anyways my mom met my step dad who I call dad they got married and I got 2 step sisters and a step brother who I love very much. Growing up I got to see visit my father and brother one time as far as I can remember and I was I believe 6. I didn't get to see my oldest brother till many years later and same with my older brother. I had a amazing childhood growing up I wasn't abused and I had 3 meals a day plus more. Like I said I had a strict dad and at the time I hated but now I respect because he was trying to raise me to be respectable person. As I entered into my teenage years my mom started to get depressed, she started seeing the mistakes she had done in the past and just couldn't bare with it. She started to drink to hide whatever secrets and decisions she had and had done. When I was 19 years old when my decided that life was to much to handle and drank herself to death. Being a young adult entering into a world where I needed my mom the most for love support and advice you could just imagine how hard I took this. I pretty much shut everyone that was close to me out. Even my future husband. I relate to the song by Kelly Clarkson Because of You because that is what has happened.The person I feel most sorry for is my Husband Chad because he has had to deal with so much with me. I know its not easy and more so now. Anyways in 2008 I married the love of my life and we had our first bundle of joy in 2010 Haylee Lynn! then 2 years past and we had our second child Hunter! We have had our ups and downs with having kids both kids had colic and acid reflex and so we had a lot of restless nights and not a whole lot of help to deal with being new parents. Haylee was pretty healthy other than the acid reflex and ear infections and same with Hunter they both have tubes and we haven't had any issues since till the day that changed our life and turned out world upside down. I was working and I work/worked in the kids pediatric doctors office. We had been dealing with a crazy cough with Hunter so I decided to make him a appointment to get him looked at just in case it was croup. It was a Friday and Chad brought both kids in I was suppose to close that night well out doctor looked at Hunter and prescribed him medicine. While I had Haylee there I asked him to look at a bruise who would of thought a little bruise would alarm anything but he took a look and said Haylee lay down for me so she did he asked to feel her tummy she let him and he said Im going to run a CBC and see whats going on but Im going to go get the other doctor to come in and I remember looking at Chad and saying this isn't good not very many doctors get a second opinion from another doctor unless they suspect something. One of the nurses came in and pricked her finger and said be right back. Both doctors returned and both felt her tummy again and then stepped out to get the CBC her doctor came back and at this point both kids were hungry and fussy Chad took them to the waiting room to play. Doctor came in and I will never forget the look on his face it read I don't want to give you these results but have too. He said her white blood cells are low and some other numbers also her kidneys and liver are enlarged and we need to get her down to the Children Hospital right a way. (Writing this is making it so hard not to cry) I went out got Chad while another coworker watched Haylee and Hunter for me and told him we have to take her to the hospital and he had a blank look on his face as I did too because we didn't no what was going on with out daughter. So my grandma watched Hunter and we took Haylee to the hospital and Chads parents followed. Haylee had a bunch of blood work done and a xray and so much more. Chad and I hardly slept and I cried and cried because even tho I didn't want to believe what I had in my mind I knew in the bottom of my heart that she had something and I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her like I did my mother. The next day October 12th we were pulled to a separate room where the doctor told us your daughter has cancer and its Leukemia and he said he was sure because it was enough of a blast to know what it was. We never wanted this for her to watch her go through all this change in less than 48 hours. We were rushed to St. Jude and stayed there for almost 3 months. November 25th Haylee went into remission but that wasn't the end we are now back and forth from "home home" as Haylee puts it to home in Memphis, TN. I have been away form work for 5 month and Chad no longer has a full time job so we are jobless right now. In the past 5 months I have been through so much stress then I have had my whole life. So I decided to start writing in this blog and Im going to keep it this time. Im not all that religious I have a hard time believing God I always have. But Im trying really trying to believe that God has a plan for me and hes putting us through this to test us. Having a child with cancer test everything about you your relationship with your loved one, your family and friends and you as a person. I will try to write in here as much as I'm on facebook which is a lot lol. This too shall pass and we will see the light at the end of the tunnel and hopefully make it out much stronger than when we came into this. New normal here we come.