Sorry I haven't been posting its been a crazy few weeks with Haylee. Sometimes I sit and wounder what kind of little girl would she be if she didn't have leukemia and the only reason I say this is because lately she has been a hand full. Shes been very demanding and uncontrollable she is mean and says things that are very hurtful and I cant tell if this is because she is 4 or because of all the medicine she is on and what she is going through. I'm sure its a mix of everything but I wish I knew. Before all this happened to her she was a hand full but a hand full I could handle even with her little brother. Now shes so spoiled (yes very much so by me) that she thinks its okay to misbehave and act out because she knows I cant discipline her like giving her a little spank on the butt all I can do is put her in her room and she will scream it out and sometimes even throw herself so hard on the floor or against the door that I'm scared shes going to hurt herself even more. All this added stress has def put a toll on Chad and I's relationship. Chad doesn't understand how to have patience with them he just thinks yelling at them will get them to behave and listen and that is not how it works for them. They actually act out more and that gets him more upset and I dunno what to say or who's side I should take and that gets us fighting because I feel like hes being to rough on them as far as yelling. When I was a child my dad would yell at us and I remember my mom saying Rich calm down and always sticking up for us but i didn't realize that was tearing them apart because he prob felt like she wasn't taken his side on disciplining us kids but that's not it at all I just don't want to see them getting yelled at over something as little as dropping food on the floor. It's just so hard sometimes being a mommy and being a wife because I want to take both sides and agree with Chad but also shelter my children. Chad and I grew up in 2 different households I come from a broken home and he comes from a stable home so i think he sees no harm but for me its flash back to my childhood and feeling like the world was out to get me. Chad and I were not a perfect couple before all this happened we have had a lot of treat issues and that tears a marriage apart but we were working on trying to get that love and trust back in our marriage then all this came down on us and what we were working on had to be put on hold our focus went straight to Haylee and getting her better. Tomorrow will be 6 months and I look back at that first night and wounder how are we making it. How am I waking up every morning and doing house work and keeping up with the kids and Chad and I's relationship and to tell you the truth half the time I feel like I'm on robot mode and just doing it because i have no other choice but to do it. I called my doctors office today and set up another appointment to see if I need to go talk with someone and get these things off my chest. Maybe talking with someone will help me get through this and to better focus. Something has to give something good has to come from all this. I miss normal. 

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good"


~Melissa